Dads, this one's for you

Does your teenage son defiantly say to his mum when he is struggling with something, ‘Mum, I’ve got this,’ And do we mums back off? Most likely. And that’s a good thing. He’s scanning his surrounds, he’s a little cautious, sometimes focused, other times oblivious, calling on his muscles (both brain and bicep) to problem solve and conquer. He reminds his mum it’s time he did this without her. The boundary around his ‘paddock’ is closed for now, as he wrestles with the bull at hand.

Dads – does he say the same thing to you? I ask this genuinely. As a mum, I had to learn to step back once my son hit the ripe old age of 13 and as Celia Lashlie promotes; step off and keep off the bridge – allow him to go it kind of alone, in partnership with his father and male role models. I learnt that my son invited me into his ‘paddock’ when he was good and ready. He still does as an adult. Often. Deep down, our teen boys yearn for their fathers to walk the bridge with them.

My academic lecturer, supervisor, colleague and friend, Fiona Griffith, often asks her male clients, ‘What makes a Good Man?’ when they are deliberating choices, responsibility, remorse and grief.

I receive heartfelt, thoughtful, poignant responses from young men with whom I work in a therapeutic setting when I ask the same question. It’s not difficult for them to answer. They respond with ‘someone who thinks of others before himself, someone who cares for his family, someone who is responsible and trustworthy, someone who works hard, someone who is considerate and kind, someone who treats others with respect’.

In my chats with young men, it is often their mother with whom they say they can be vulnerable and empathic and yet some of these ‘Good Men’ traits, dare I say it, our popular culture aligns with femininity, not masculinity. No wonder our boys are sometimes very confused.

How do our adolescent boys feel vulnerable and yet emanate strength and goodness? How do they grapple with painful emotions and not be terrorised by them and turn to unhealthy ways of coping?

Dads, uncles, grandfathers, sports coaches, teachers, mentors. Is your voice louder than the internet’s and do your actions engulf and soothe our boys when they hurt? He needs you too. He needs to know from you that it is okay, that his emotional pain won’t actually hurt him, that he is indeed a Good Man.

You’ve got this.